The Laughter Surgery

[Surgeon]

Every few days I will hopefully update this thread with some good funnies, one liners and other humerous stuff.

Please contrinute any funnies you have as I am currently collecting a lot of great stuff to compile into a series of MS word documents which i will post here in installments for your enjoyment

1)

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey, Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

2)

CLIFF'S THEORY (In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this....)

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this ...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[spO_on]

Bravo

[Target]

Haha, very nice I like them both

[Surgeon]

3) (slightly rude)

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending as if he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in Chicago!

4) Again slightly rude

A senior lawyer is visiting a NHS hospital to discuss the bi-yearly insurance details. In his way to the conference room he glances into a room and sees a young man masturbating vigorously. Being somewhat shocked, he asked one of the nurses what was going on. She replied “His testicles produce too much semen and he must do this five times a day or his testicles would explode.” The lawyer accepts this explanation and continues on his way. He looks into the next room and sees a stunning blonde nurse on her knees giving the next young man a blow job. The Lawyer turns to the first nurse and asks what was wrong the young man. The nurse turns and replies”Same thing except he is has private medical insurance”.

5) Selection of shorts from around the globe. You shouldn't really laugh at other peoples stupidity but.....

A texan man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out of the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again"

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!

[spO_on]

Classic jokes there. Remind me to go get medical insurance

[Surgeon]

6) I work for the Housing authority and these are a few of the beauties I have heard when on the phone to tenants or at the counter. All have been said to me in complete seriousness. Try looking at a someone when they are saying these and keep a straight face.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just plain filthy.

12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.

[Surgeon]

7) The Sensitive Man (Yes he does exist)

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf ,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her into his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'well how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply in her eyes and says :

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

8)

No Speakah De English
________________________________________
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."


£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

[Surgeon]

9)

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

10) Alls fair in love and drunkeness

The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

[Surgeon]

More on the way later this week.

[Joe1965]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@k DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

[Joe1965]

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"



A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Surgeon]

10)

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication.
In fact, we do not even have a chicken.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.

KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road....

SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.

PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads.
You may say I'm a dreamer - but it’s not the only hen.

MICHAEL JACKSON
There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your bed with a chicken.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.

ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not bigger than this club.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n.

[Surgeon]

11)

THE DIARY OF AN NORN IRON MAN LIVING IN CANADA


"OUR FIRST WINTER”

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?!

JAN 9th
More f**king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the fecking house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fecking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.





JAN 13th
Fecking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c**ts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back, I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "fecking" Schumacher and buries the fecking driveway again.

JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of fecking snow and fecking ice and fecking sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my fecking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fecking snow forecast.

STUFF THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO NORN IRON!

[Surgeon]

12)

Radio WBAM FM

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up”.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinko’s, Sarah speaking, how can I help you?."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them THAT!, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

[Surgeon]

13)

New Information re Mental Health


New Telephone System Has Been Installed for Community Mental Health Team

"Hello and welcome to the Community Mental Health Hotline

If you are suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder, clean phone, before pressing 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6 and possibly 7.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on line to enable us to trace the call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voices will tell you what to do.

If you are manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic press 252552259669692552.

If you are suffering from anxiety, please fidget with the # key until your call is answered.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, date of birth, address, social security number, national health number and mother's maiden name.

If you have a confused state, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have dementia, press 9.

If you have dementia, press 9.

If you have dementia, press 9.

If you have dementia, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to people like you.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day"

[Surgeon]

14)

Accidents Suffered by Men


A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem Of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.


A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a night shift to his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his p*nis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage.


A 34-year old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend on not one but two occasions, he noticed that his erection was still at its full glory. Having struggled to sleep through the night he woke up to find his boner still standing proud, but due to him worrying about the police finding out about his possession, and indeed the use of an illegal substance, he decided against visiting his doctor. However after three days of enduring headaches and nausea, caused by the constant trouser swelling, he went to the hospital in search of help. He was admitted immediately and referred to a specialist who diagnosed lack of oxygen to vital bloodstreams in his body, as the cause of his sickness. He was given numerous drugs and antibiotics to combat the swelling, but shortly afterwards developed blood clots in various parts of his body with gangrene setting in. As a result he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.


You may want to grit your teeth before you read this. This is really gruesome...
When a mate was studying in Ireland, he took up rugby. As his first season wore on, the lads and him were eventually scheduled to play a team which had a reputation for violent play. Considering that they weren't the most talented outfit to have ever taken the field, they decided to accept the challenge with a "do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing their way. They didn't, and to make matters worse their star player dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was clearly in a lot of pain, so they all stood back to allow the medic to, in one swift movement, slot the hip back into its socket. Then Alan began a long blood curdling scream. To their horror, they realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the socket and was now firmly held in the place by the hip. Incidentally, he also managed to rip a vocal chord with his screaming.

[Surgeon]

15)

ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

16)

TWO: The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Food land with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue.

17)

THREE-----MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

18)

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

19)
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies

20)

SIX: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the female driver had set the cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

21)

SEVEN ------IDIOTS &COMPUTERS...
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


22)

EIGHT: Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[Surgeon]

23)

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

[Surgeon]

24)

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: Bet the lying bastard said I was speeding, too.

[Surgeon]

25)


THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny Personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6.00 Alarm.
6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench.
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage by naked Elle McPherson.
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated. Won lottery jackpot.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day;
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap
11.45 In bed with amazing woman.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep