The Laughter Surgery

[Surgeon]

How many can you relate to?

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com"after every period when using a word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
* You believe nothing looks sexier than a nude illuminated only by a 19 LCD.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
* You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 56K modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You tell the cab driver you live at 123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.

[Surgeon]

More stuff

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages


Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!

[Surgeon]

It is just a matter of time before I get hammered by her indoors.....so.


How is Computer better than a Woman?

* A computer can wait forever for you.
* A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.
* A A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.
* A Computers do everything you tell them to.
* A computer won't look through your checkbook.
* Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
* Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to
* A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
* A computer is big in all the right places.
* A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
* A computer doesn't tell you how terrific it's past users have been.
* A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
* A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
* A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
* A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
* The average computer session lasts four hours.
* A computer won't even talk about marriage.
* A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.
* A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
* A computer won't shave with your razor.
* A computer doesn't cross-examine you every time you log in.
* Computers are easy to turn on.
* Computers are ready when you are.
* Computers are very responsive.
* Computers don't insist on foreplay.
* Computers don't get pregnant.
* Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.
* Computers don't care about age differences.
* Computers don't care if you're married.
* Computers don't make you meet their parents.
* Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
* Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
* Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
* You can log into several computers at once.
* You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be ready for you.
* Computers never have headaches or have that time of the month.
* Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
* With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
* If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another.
* You don't have to tell computers you love them.
* You can turn off a computer.

[Surgeon]

How do you know if you are a real computing novice?
You cannot find the "any" key

[Surgeon]

Engineers vs. Managers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


Engineers and Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager!" I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?" "Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow, my fault."

[Surgeon]

Why executives make more money

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is true.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.
Now, as every Engineer knows,

Work
-------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
-------- = Knowledge
Money


Solving for Money, we get:

Work
------------ = Money
Knowledge



Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

[Surgeon]

You Might be a Game Junike if


Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (Stop looking at me)

You want RAM memory for Christmas

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a p-90

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

You window shop at Maplins

You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance 'just in case'

You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

The thought that a CD could refer to finance never enters your mind

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

Your hours gaming total is bigger than the weight of your car in kilos

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

You have more toys than your kids

You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

You know what http:/ stands for

Your wristw*tch has more buttons than a telephone

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

You spend more on your home computer than your car

Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

[Surgeon]

Types of Men You Might See in the Men's Restroom

* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.

* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.

* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.

* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

[Surgeon]

Last ones for tonight

Jokes women make about men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.


What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, clothes and diamonds.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

[Surgeon]

Right, more will be forthcoming shortly

[Surgeon]

www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=33661

this sesame street link, I laughed my head off at my dirty mind!!!!!!

[Target]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[Surgeon]

the old ones are the best target

[spO_on]

hahahahhahahahahahaha