The Laughter Surgery

[Surgeon]

Subject: Drugs

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.(also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.)

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Surgeon]

27)

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE (Dangerous)
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Can also be used in context of I’m “Fine” or simply “Fine”. Similar to “Nothing” but when used in this context is a much more potent word than “Nothing”. You must be very careful about dealing with this word.

FIVE MINUTES (Safe if acted on immediately. Volatile if not acted on)
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only one minute if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING (ok if handled correctly)
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Safe if acted on accordingly)
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it under any circumstances.

GO DO WHAT YOU BOYS DO (Safe)
This seems like a dare but is actually permission. If you give a time to be back at, be fifteen to thirty minutes early and say you are early because you missed her. Only use this if she is in a good mood. Do not attempt to get some because she will see you as coming home early to “get some” and this permission will be changed to a “GO AHEAD “ situation.

LOUD SIGH (Very Dangerous)
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY (Dangerous)
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. You will not be told what your “mistake” was and will never find out as she will think ‘If he does not know what he has done, I am not going to tell him’. This argument will be used frequently. Do not question it.

THANKS (Very safe)
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

I LOVE YOU (Safe enough)
This is a woman asking how you feel about her. Any hesitation in responding will I love you too will lead to “A LOUD SIGH” followed by “NOTHING” and finally “WHATEVER”. Prevent this situation by saying “I LOVE YOU” first and at regular intervals. Do not overdo it or you may come into the “A LOUD SIGH” followed by “NOTHING” and finally “WHATEVER” response. NEVER ask if she loves you as she will see this as a sign that you have not been listening to her and taking in what she has been saying. You will get “A LOUD SIGH” followed by “NOTHING” and finally “WHATEVER” response.

”Whatever" (So Screwed)
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

[Surgeon]

Back to work now but more soon

[Novak]

lol surgeon some nice ones there

[Target]

Yeah indeed, keep them comming.

[Surgeon]

28)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. " The woman replied, "That's okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Attention Male readers: Please read on.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that you women never listen!

[Surgeon]

29)

This morning on the way to work I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new B.M.W doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Surgeon]

30)

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Northern Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on cars were scarce and no lights lined the street.

The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way.

Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.


Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other. Look Mick, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

[Surgeon]

31) List of shorts

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name.?"




A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"


Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,
"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
“Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so, he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[Surgeon]

32)

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
“What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

[Surgeon]

33)

A depressed young woman from Belfast was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for" he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".
"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's screwing me," said the girl sheepishly.
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Larne-Stranraer ferry."

[Surgeon]

34)

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*cking funeral director would be my guess."

[Surgeon]

35)

Little Old Ladies in Court


Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"………..And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[Surgeon]

28 - 35 jokes up. Enjoy

[Target]

Im stealing your thread here lol.

Michael Jackson was on a boat with children. Then the boat started to sank and the captain said:

- Save yourself!

- But what about the children? said Michael.

- f**k the children!

- Do we have that much time?

[Surgeon]

rofl @ target's joke.
I like it

yes i do have a sick sense of humour by the way

[Novak]

hahahahaha nice ones

[spO_on]

i can see where this thread is going

LOL at the jokes though.

[Novak]

A Scottish boy arrives home all out of breath. His father asks: "how come you are all out of breath?" The boy says: "Dad, I just saved a quid by running after the bus"
Then his dad slaps him in the face.
The boy asks: "Why did you do that, Dad?"
The father replies: " You should have run behind a cab and saved five quid!"

[spO_on]

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a w*nker.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

AAAAAAAAAAND so on....